More Than I Could Say.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo9zo8JJcqk&feature=related

There is something frantic, that wrapped its-self around my unsuspecting mind this morning. When I looked in the mirror I half expected to see a reflection that was not my own. I feel I have the mind of middle aged brunette from the 60's. If my body followed suite I would have curlers in and crazy cat eye glasses.

A bit frightening, don't you think. Sure am glad my outside appearance doesn't suffer such a drastic change as my mind.

Things are settling down now. My startled-ness was a reaction to my sudden realization of how much I have to accomplish. It has slowly, over the past few hours sifted out into something quite good.

I think the word is motivation.

-Jonlyn

A Love That Runs Deep.

Today I sat in a small cabin. My grandparents bought it about a year ago, when they found out Papa's brain tumor had returned. We were told he had three months to live.

I remember the day Jenn called me. I was sitting in the Great Hall with Hannah Murphy and Ruth. They watched as my face melted into a blank stare devoid of the slightest emotion. I can still hear Ruth's voice ring out the question "Jonlyn, are you alright?" There was nothing I could say. I was hardly breathing much less forming sentences.

You see three months is a good amount of time to Cherish. The only problem, the thing that was wrenching at my heart was the fact that the next three months of my life were devoted to Covenant College in Lookout Mountain GA.

Today a year away from that place I talked with him. Thom Hughes, my wise grandfather. I learned a little more about his and Mimi's life. It has been a beautiful one to say the least. It has been inspiring....

-Jonlyn

*SMILE*

Refreshing........

Two Friends....

Cloves in the garden.........

Quiet Walks.....

Simple....

Telling wine.......

Lovely...

Cold songs...........

Lowen*Me

Sienna*Me

Did i tell you that I love her?

Are there really any words?

~Jonnie

The Old Piano

Here in the music room we have a piano. I have come to find it rather comforting. Sure there are other nicer, finer, or more important pianos in this world, but not to me. There was one in Mexico that was very important in my life. All summer I had craved the black and white keys that were so far away. Then finally in the basement of a church in Renosa MX. I found one. It was the only one I saw there. There were mostly key boards plugged into fuzzy speakers. They didn't resonate or have the feel a real piano does. There is something in the resistance of the keys that pulls you in.

Last night Jenn and Jason were here. Jenn began to play the piano and asked for me to sing with her. Mmmm.... And so i did.

Cold, cold clay to your waste its hard to go on this way

Cold, cold clay can't escape can't find you in this place

*

And I dive right into your lies and your sin

And clay wraps round again over my skin

*

One more glance and you're swallowed up whole

Into the myre found deep your soul

*

Cold, cold clay to waste hurts to go on this way.

*

You turned to leave I grab your shirt

And the clay falls into the dirt

*

Open my eyes and role over in bed

And realize the clay was all in my head

*

You looked at me and all you said

Was baby goodnight.

Our voices splashed together. There will never be another voice so inviting to my soul. Although there is one equally intriguing. I will have her back in a few weeks. If one feeds my soul you can only imagine what both together bring. There is a deep satisfaction in three voices that meet. After months of separation the initial event will be overwhelmingly like returning home after months of being away.

-Jonlyn

Yellow Pages

Today I sat in the living room with Mom and Heather. Dad was in the kitchen playing his guitar and singing. He was happy this morning. Smiles are normally on his face, but today his heart seemed to follow suite.

Sitting with mom and heather I noticed a book.

There is more time soaked into it than I can describe. It looked As if every page had been visited by thousands of captivated eyes. Hands had traced each line, to peer with more depth and intensity when a re-read took place.

Have you ever been so intrigued by a withered script?

Mom told me that it came from her Dad's library, my Papa. This deepened my desire to scan through the pages. As I did I wondered what he took from each word, each page. Yes, we would gleen a simillar message, but I couldn't help thinking his must have been grander than mine.

Perhaps the picture below captured some of my intrigue. That was the general idea.

-Jonlyn

Boldly Stated.

On The Pilgrams Progress

*

And now before I put up my pen,

I'll show the profit of my book, and then

Commit both me and it into that hand

That pulls the strong down, and makes weak ones stand

*

out before thine eyes

The man that seeks the everlasting prize:

It shows you whence he comes, wither he goes;

What he leaves undone;also what he does:

It also shows you how he runs and runs,

Till he unto the Gate of Glory comes.

*

It shows too who set out for life amain,

As if the lasting crown they would obtain,

Here also you may see the reason why

They lose their labour,and like fools die.

This book will make a traveller of thee,

If by its counsels thou wilt ruled be;

It will dirrect thee to the Holy Land

If thou wilt its derections understand;

Yea, it will make the slothful active be;

The blind also delightful things to see.

*

Art thou for something rare and profitable?

Or wouldst thou see a truth within a fable?

Art thou forgetful?Wouldest thou remember

From new-years day to the last day of December?

Then read my fancies;they will stick like burs,

And may be,to the helpless,comforters.

*

This book is writ in such a dialect,

Countless the minds of listless men affect:

It seems a novelty and yet contains

Nothing but sound and honest gospel strains.

Wouldst thou divert thyself from melancholy?

Wouldst thou be pleasant, yet be far from folly?

Wouldst thou read riddles and there explanation?

Or else be drowned in thy contemplation?

*

Wouldst read thyself, and read thou know'st not what,

And yet know whether thou art blessed or not By

Reading the same lines? O then come hither,

And lay my book, thy head, and heart together.

*

John Bunyan.

These Hold My Heart

It is true that a sister can speak things into your life that will eternally change you. There is so much beauty to be found in my three sisters and my little brother. There is a simplicity in conversation because we have all the background one could want. No body knows me so fully as my sisters and J>T>Mom and Dad finally got the boy they had waited so long for. January 8'th 1994. It was the girls and dad for nine years. I couldn't imagine life with him when I found out mom was pregnant.

Just yesterday Mom,Me, and Heather were sitting on the living room couch. There was such I stillness and we all knew JT was not home. It was empty, incomplete. Heather said "I can't imagine life with out JT anymore." We all agreed that it was hard to remember those nine years that we had spent being the girls and Dad. JT was change. He changed the Linville house hold. Not that there ever was a dull moment in the history of our family, but the moments were never quite so exciting without that little blond boy running around.

I remember his prank days. I also remember his spying days. He was never really good at spying. Then there there was the time when his favorite words were "You should marry my sister because she smells good" It didn't really matter who the guy was, but it did matter if he hunted or fished. Apparently those two things gave JT the urge to offer one of his sisters as a permanent tie between him and the guy.

As for the pranks my favorite was when he tied a fake rat to a glass in the cabinet and then asked heather to get the cups for dinner.As she pulled the cup out the rat jump out in her face. The house was filled with a death gripping scream. HAHAHA. And then with the laughter of the linvilles.

My least favorite was when we were driving somewhere on vacation and he decided to twist a comb in my hair while I was sleeping. I had to cut it out. Mom rewarded him with the gift of being my servant for a full week. I didn't mind that so much.

I suppose I am saying I realize how dear my Sisters and my brother are to me, now more than ever. I think my love for them will only grow.

Out My Window...

Today I was awake before my eyes opened. I laid in bed listening to the faint humming of some sort of engine. I listened until I recognized the sound. It was the rumble of my Dads Honda Shadow. So I turned over and peered out the window. There it sat, a gift given to him months ago by Jennifer. Watching the smoke poor from the pipes I wondered where he was going so early this morning. After ten minutes or more he finally appeared on the scene. Swung his leg over the black leather seat and pulled on his gloves. Twisting his hands around the handles and making the engine roar, he was off. As he disappeared around the curve I couldn't help, but envy his journey.

-Jonlyn

Empty Thoughts

All I can say is my thoughts are quiet. There have been so many over the past weeks and now, well, there aren't. I don't really enjoy this stage when I have to stop processing, but it seems unavoidable. So here you find me processing my inability to process.


Until my depth returns-Jonlyn

Allow Me to Stumble...

Her voice resonated over the phone line. I was calling, with thousands of miles stretched out between us. She was speaking from a place that is almost as familiar as my home. Perhaps I should say comfortable.I settled into England soon after I arrived. This was a new experience for me. The truth is I hardly ever settle into anything, much less a new way of life. For some reason I just fell into England. I suspect another visit some day. Not any time soon of course. Just sometime. I told that beloved girl of the way I needed to reclaim that place. I wanted to settle into it again. On my own. Alone. Unaccompanied, uninfluenced, and unexpected.

There are pieces that we lose along the way. I don't believe that I am to return there to find the pieces I lost. You see many of them have been returned to me. They are not the same. No, they changed somewhere, sometime. Of course my claim could be they are changed for the better, but that is not true. However they are changed. This change pulls me forward. It begs these questions. So maybe the pieces aren't better or the same, but they are inspiring. I think this inspiration will lead to better pieces. Not different ones, merely evolved.

I may have opened a question that is too big to be answered. you have had the privilege of watching me stumble through this question, only to find I need more time. The beauty is I will wait. The beauty is I am aloud to. The beauty is I don't have to make sense of this today.

A Friend Through the Night

3:00 Am and I am awake. There was to much pain to sleep. I began down the steps. Each making its own sound, squeaking or cracking. Mom made me promise to come down if anything was wrong. You see the stairs could not be avoided no matter how loud they were.I went into mom and dad's room and climbed into their bed, to explain my symptoms to mom. I stayed here for about 45 minutes, but couldn't sleep. This is when I heard a beautiful sound. Ellie my beloved niece. She was crying. So I climbed back out of their be, up the stairs, less concerned with the noise because anyone who would have been disturbed, had already been graced with Ellie's cry. djkh h ffzhvfh gutff tf y i u ( you can thank Ellie for that sentence) Pulling her from

Beth's arms I knew I wasn't going to be lonely.

I don't think I can describe to you how lovely these past few hours have been. It was comforting to hold her. She has these beautiful brown eyes that steel me when I look at them. There is a beautiful silence. When we are caught looking at each other, or both doze off. Then there is her smile mmm... and I realize, this is far beyond sleep.

Sleep could never be so

restful, so

peaceful, so

pure.

-Jonlyn

TRUTH

The LORD is near to the broken hearted

And saves the crushed in spirit

Many are the afflictions of the righteous

But the Lord delivers him out of them ALL.

-Psalm 34:18-19

Tea

Today I wrapped my hands around a nice warm cup of tea. I drank it as if I was drinking in something much more meaningful. It was only a cup of tea. Right?

This morning I road with my mom into town. Things were out of place. The clouds were in the trees. The sky was empty, it was missing them. I can relate.

-J

A Some What Graceful Progression

Spinning may describe this feeling. The one where your so near to being ok, that your caught in a straining state. Straining for the brighter day add you saw in the news paper. How convenient would this picturesque life be? With out the struggle, perhaps without the spinning,spinning,spinning. What sort of contentment or joy might one find? Would there be any? Do all of these question marks make you uneasy, or is it just me?

Pick me up I've landed

Do you know Ben Folds speaks my language? Well he does. Something clicks. There is a song I wrote along with Jess about this(not ben folds sorry this is a random night). This part of my life. The one where things fall apart,people begin to wither, and places so familliar are now foreign. In my mind I made up that this would be my "journal" blog and the other my "poetry" blog. This is not poetry though, its a song. Why am I justifying what I put on my blog? I have isues.

Quietness it kills me
When my thoughts are wrapped around
A truth thats almost eary
A life thats slowin' down

Familliar face now withered

Shakey voices sound

Quick as sand it passes

You'll be sifted like the wheat

All in favore shout it

All apposed just weep

Littles done for nothing

Your fighting time

Your fighting me

Quiet still I'm empty

Filled my loungs with this breath I crave

Night is all that hides

From voices I have heard

And places that I love

Hide me here for awhile

Don't let this world see me

A distant whistle screaming out

When to stop

And where to stay

Now this scene is not so peacful

This feeling, less than craved

One more sip might drown me

This walk could slow me down

Heroic words won't heal me

perfects silence now

All in favor shout it

All apposed just weep

Little's dome for nothing

your fighting time

Your fighting me

-Jonnie

Curl up and sleep

Oh Bog! If that was a word it would express perfectly the way I feel today. It's beautiful outside and I love being outside. The small amount of sanity in me is found outside. Not today though and I hate that. Why did I fall into this bogness on such a lovely day?

You see I want to go home. You know the yellow and white house home, my home. Not this place I am living. Why am I pulled in so many different directions? I am sure I can't take it much longer. (interrupted by the cell phone) I feel the need to put on a happy voice for my family when they call. Why is this? I am not happy especially when I am talking them because it makes me miss Home and family. Would tears be appropriate right now. Well I don't think they care much about coming at the appropriate time. Do you?

This is about all I can pour out of my brain today. My apologies for the droning on of it all.
-Jonnie

all over again

There is a howling out side. The wind seems to be a bit tormented today. The dirrection is hardly sure and the speed is less than steady. Laced with an invitation to leave, a restlessness, an uneasyness in its existance. Be warned, it is rather contagious. I feel it seeping into my bones. There is a pull to be far away from here. Set your mind at ease I do not plan to fallow these chilled notians. No, I will be settling in soon enough.

Home. Heather is home.... There is something so comforting in those words. She is still very sick and the doctors are trying to figure out what it going on inside of her. Still just knowong that she is in a house thats yellow and white, and she is being consumed with familiarity.

My thoughts will hardly stay glued to this white screen, so for now here is the first post to my new blog. Hope you enjoy. The few who know the adress that is.

-Jonnie